Thursday, 24 April 2014

Short Story Thriller Thursdays #7- Coma

Short Story Thriller Thursdays #7- Coma

Crumpling, spinning, smashing, fire. They were the last things the child remembered, but they were soon forgotten.

The child wandered aimlessly, looking down at his tiny white trainers. He briefly remembered something. Something really important and bad that had just happened, but it felt like nothing more than a faint memory where you couldn't tell if it had actually happened or not or whether it was some vivid dream a few weeks ago. He didn't bother looking up or around, he just shuffled along, judging his path by what was under his feet. He then arrived at some sort of hard ground. He didn't know the difference between tarmac or concrete yet, but the ground was soft, yet hard at the same time. A voice muffled nearby. The child looked up and saw someone staring right at him. His heart began to pound with worry. He suddenly remembered his Mommy and Daddy that should be there any minute to whisk him away from the strange person.
"Who are you?" the child asked. He was not much older than five, but he was smart enough to know that a stranger sitting on a bench, gazing at him could not be trusted. So he asked, politely as possible as he had been taught, but without releasing his full trust. He bit his lip.

"Come here." the stranger beckoned. He wore a long coat. It came down further than his knees and it was made of something strange. The child looked around frantically, looking for someone he knew. But there was no Mommy or Daddy in sight. In fact, there wasn't much in sight. He stood in the middle of a great field (or that was how it seemed) where nothing could be determined as to where or why he was there. Giving up on looking for help, the child nervously shuffled over to the stranger.
"I'm lost." the child edged nearer, worry still deep in his mind. He felt the ache of terrible loss at the back of his throat and he couldn't quite figure out what it was there for. The stranger stood up. He looked like Mommy's Dad from the pictures, but smaller. He looked taller when he was sat down, but when he stood up his coat was all funny and he looked smaller afterwards.
"Me too." the stranger replied. "I've been wondering when you would turn up. But I didn't expect so soon. Do you recognise me?"
"No." the child mumbled.
"I didn't think so. You were just a baby when your eyes first fell on me. It's a shame we parted so soon."
The stranger held out his hand which was covered by a thin leather glove. "Time is a terrible thing." his voice said with a frail tone, like he was holding back very strong emotion.

The boy walked with the stranger. He even held his hand. The field was a very odd looking place. There were mounds of grass that were there one minute, but gone the next. The sky was bluer than blue. It was a colour that the child had never really seen before. "We're going to have a good time. I'll take care of you until Daddy arrives." the stranger smiled softly.
"When is he coming?" the child asked excitedly.
"Sometime soon I'll expect."
They kept strolling through the plain landscape. The stranger wiped his eye.
"Where are w-"
"Honey? Baby? He's waking up!" the sweet voice of his mother echoed through the field, interrupting him. "Don't let them wake you." the stranger pleaded softly. "Don't listen to them."
"Mommy?" the child called up to the sky, terrified. Was she in heaven? Where was she?
"I'm here baby, it's okay, you can wake up now." his mothers voice called with tearful joy.
His eyes didn't open as such, they faded from one image to the next. One moment he was looking at... Someone... The next moment, he could only see through one eye. But he saw his mother's face, and that was a comforting sight. He opened his mouth to speak, but his words didn't seem to fit together.


  1. Wow, this is really good. The mind of a coma patient has so much mystery to it.

    A small typo, a the start you say: "The child wondered aimlessly..." but in the context, I believe you meant wandered.

  2. Very well written story. It flowed smoothly and quickly.

    1. Thank you for commenting Luke. And thank you, that really means a lot.