The two of them tiptoed over to room fifteen. The banging on the door behind them was an incredibly frightening sound. The loud 'BANG' followed by an echo through the hospital and then another 'BANG, BANG, THUD' and finally the screaming 'WOEAAAAAAEHHH!' Craig was trying his hardest not to wimp out and leave. He was scared, but a nineteen year old boy was calmer than him. He knew he would never hear the end of it if he wimped out. Besides, the noise makers were locked in after all.
"This one?" Craig asked.
"Look up." Joe snorted.
"Fifteen I'm guessing. It could easily be mistaken for a five."
"Why?"
"Look up." he mocked. Joe looked up with his torch at the number above the door. Blood was stained all over the white numbers.
"How did they get blood all the way up there?" he chuckled.
"You got a really sick sense of humour, you know that?" Craig shook his head.
"Are we going in or what?"
"Yeah."
Craig opened the door carefully. He shone his torch through the gap between the door and the frame and sighed with relief that it was empty. Vaccines were stocked heavily all over the shelving. There were so many vaccines that Craig actually burst out laughing and raised his arms to hug the boy, who stood there confused. Joe strolled in and shut the door behind him.
"What?" he asked.
"Joe, m'boy. We just hit the jackpot!"
"I found it." he mumbled.
"Wait..." Craig cupped his hand to his ear.
"Whatcha hear?" Joe frowned. Craig immediately put his finger to his lips as if to say shh and crouched down, waving Joe to do the same. Joe crouched. He looked at the panicked man for an answer on his face. Craig pointed towards the door and gestured a walking movement with his fingers. Joe reached into his pocket and pulled out another screwdriver. Craig looked at it and wanted to laugh at the fact that Joe had stolen another one from his tool kit, but his mouth remained a thin line. He looked down at his torch, and silently switched it off. He pointed to Joe to do the same, which he did, and they stayed crouched in the darkness. Joe finally heard the panting outside the door which Craig had noticed far earlier. He was grateful for his carefulness. He certainly wouldn't have noticed.
"He knew he would never hear the end of it if he wimped out." My favorite line. It is so true.
ReplyDeletePeer pressure is one of the things that makes us who we are. Thank you for the comment, it's great to hear from you.
DeleteIt looks good. You've clearly shown the relationship between the characters as well as kept the tension up nicely. The only thing I will say is don't feel as though you have to follow every bit of speech with an action or expression. I know that you haven't with all of them (as I've just read it) but it can sometimes distract from the story. (Then again it may just be my personal preference- each writer is different.)
ReplyDeleteApart from that I think that it's really good and it's certainly interested me in more! I like the humour in there which works well with the tension as it helps to break it up a bit and keeps it interesting.
I look forward to reading more from you Mr Saunders!
All the best,
Mary Lou x
Thank you for reading. I love hearing back from you. It's great to know how you feel about it. I've got a habit of backing up speech with an action, it's just something I do. Perhaps I should re-consider.
DeleteThanks again.
Max.